Home > Publications > Making Marriage Last
Making Marriage Last
Here’s some good news: If you’re courageous enough to pick
up this booklet, you’ve taken the first step toward making your marriage work.
That you are willing to learn what is needed to make a successful marriage
means that you believe in marriage as a lifelong commitment.
It may strike you as odd that a group of people who make a
living off of failed marriages would write a booklet about divorce avoidance.
After all, if every couple stayed together until death did they part, none of us would have jobs. Unfortunately, we all know
that not every marriage makes it through thick and thin and that we, as
matrimonial lawyers, will always have work.
We will continue to see thousands of men and women walk
through our doors wanting out of a marriage. We’ll still hear every sad story.
We’ll still see couples who split up because times are bad and divorce seems
like the next step.
The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, a non-profit
association of attorneys who are experts in family law, was established in
1962. During the last few decades, our 1,500 members have learned a lot about
marriage and the pitfalls of divorce.
The information provided in this booklet evolved from a
comprehensive survey of our members on what they see as the most common factors
leading to divorce.
Our members know that divorce isn’t always the answer.
Though some marriages should be abandoned – for reasons such as physical or
sexual abuse or other intolerable situations – many “unsalvageable” unions can
be saved. If you are willing to devote some time and energy to identifying and
correcting the problems in your marriage, chances are, you can avoid the
financially and emotionally draining process of divorce.
Please treat this booklet as merely an introduction to the
process of working on your marriage. In addition to the tips and information
contained here, your library or local bookstore contains a wealth of
information, as does the Internet. We have included a sampling of books on
marriage, as well as a list of support groups and organizations aimed at
helping marriages. Couples should also not be afraid to seek professional help
from a trained marriage and family therapist. Churches and synagogues are also
good resources for family support.
We can’t emphasize this enough: It takes time and energy to
strengthen a weakened marriage. But it can be done. And we hope this booklet
helps.
In fact, we hope we never see you again!
Why Marriages Fail
Not all marriages fail for the same reason. Nor is there
usually one reason for the breakdown of a particular marriage. Nevertheless, we
hear some reasons more often than others.
They are:
There are other causes we see a lot, but not quite as often
as those listed above.
They are:
- Failed expectations or unmet needs
- Addictions and substance abuse
- Physical, sexual or emotional abuse
- Lack of conflict resolution skills
Communication
Poor communication is often the catalyst for all other
marital problems.
Unfortunately, the simple act _of saying “I do” doesn’t turn
a spouse into a mind reader. _So couples must share their thoughts and feelings
or they risk losing touch with what is important in their marriage.
Direct communication is always best. As
the old saying goes: Mean what you say, say what you mean. If you want
or need something, tell your spouse. If your spouse is doing something that
bothers you, tell him or her why it bothers you and what you would like your
spouse to do about it. As with all communication, however, the secret is in the
delivery. Never be accusatory or disrespectful.
If your spouse reacts badly to something you’ve said, it’s
possible that he or she did not understand what you meant. Before you
overreact, take time to find out what your spouse thinks you meant, and, if
necessary, explain what it is you were trying to say.
Arguments are a legitimate way to communicate, but the
arguments must be based on a person’s actions or words, not what one side
imagines is motivating the other side. Arguments are also okay when they are
fair, honest disputes about family policy or priorities.
Personal attacks against your spouse are disrespectful and
they get in the way of real discussion about important matters.
Some communication problems may be the result of the
different ways men and women tend to communicate. Each sex often expects a
particular response when they say something, and some are surprised or offended
when they get something else. Women often want their feelings acknowledged,
while men want to fix things, to solve problems.
For example, a wife who complains about her terrible day at
work probably wants empathy, not a discussion about what she should have done
to avoid it. Alternatively, a husband who asks his wife where she wants to go
for dinner probably wants an answer, not a vague response that “anything is
fine.”
It is dangerous to react to your spouse with anger. Anger
impairs judgment and impedes communication. When people get angry, they may be
speechless, or they may cry, yell, stomp out of the room, run away, or throw
things. Some may even beat their spouse or children. None of this conduct helps
a marriage thrive. It does not resolve disputes; it simply intimidates the
other person.
Communication Do’s and Don’ts
- Focus on solving the problem instead of winning the
argument;
- Listen with an open mind to make sure you understand what
your spouse means instead of launching into an unnecessary argument;
- Explain yourself if you feel you have been misunderstood;
- Respect each other’s opinion, even if you can’t find an
immediate solution to the problem;
- Spend time discussing problems and issues you each think are
important;
- Be quick to forgive, quick to
forget;
- Be sincere. Your words may say one thing, but your body
language may convey something completely different;
- Don’t talk in code. Say what you mean, and say it
respectfully;
- Don’t go to sleep before resolving a conflict;
- Don’t talk to your spouse in a rude, disparaging way;
- Don’t criticize your spouse in front of others;
- Don’t let anger cloud your judgment about the proper way to
speak to and treat your spouse;
- Don’t start arguments based on things that happened long
ago;
- Don’t assume that your spouse is personally attacking you
just because he or she disagrees with you.
Financial Problems
No matter how rich or how poor a couple is, one of the
constant subjects of marital disagreement is money. Whether it’s over how money
is earned, spent or saved, money fights are common because money is a part of
daily life, from paying the electric bill to saving for retirement.
Attitudes toward money are learned in childhood. When
spouses are raised with widely differing attitudes toward money, conflict is
inevitable. The key is for couples to discuss their views on money and to
decide among themselves how they will make decisions about how the family money
will be controlled.
It is probably not a good idea to have one spouse in complete
control of all family assets. That’s not to say that a spouse with a particular
skill in managing money should not use that skill, but that spouse should
always discuss with the other spouse what he or she is doing.
There are several ways you may decide to divvy up the
responsibility. Some couples keep their earnings separate but agree in advance
who will pay what bills. Some couples put every penny of their financial lives
into a joint account. Financial togetherness can be as intense or as separate
as the parties wish. As long as the goals and attitudes toward money are
shared, the mechanics of fiscal management are less important.
Managing The Marital Money
Here are some ways to prevent money-management disputes from
destroying a marriage:
-
Regardless of who earns how much, make a fair
division of responsibility for both routine family financial decisions (such as
utilities or groceries) and the major ones (such as a house or a car).
-
Set short- and long-term goals together, and stick
to them unless you both agree to change them.
-
Be sure each partner has
some money they can spend however they like. The amount, of course, depends on
your financial circumstances. Neither spouse should ever have to beg for money.
-
If you spend more than you earn, work out a budget
together and follow it for at least a year. Don’t deviate from the budget
unless you both agree. If you can’t work out your own budget, see a financial
planner.
Lack of Commitment
Marriage is supposed to be a lifetime commitment, a pledge
to do whatever is necessary to keep the relationship together. If couples look
at matrimony as a job they can quit or an apartment they can break the lease
on, their marriage is headed for trouble. Spouses have to agree that keeping
the marriage healthy is their top priority. To do that, they have to commit
time and energy to it. Both spouses should be as concerned with the welfare of
each other as they are with themselves.
Devoting time to one’s marriage can require some tough
decisions, such as turning down challenging work assignments that would take
away from “couple time,” spending less time with friends, leaving the office
even when duty calls, etc. But it can also be as simple as having a weekly
“date night.”
Though unexpected events, such as death of a family member
or loss of a job, happen to everyone, these events should not be used as an
excuse to ignore one’s commitment to their marriage. Committed couples who deal
with unexpected problems together actually strengthen their marital bonds.
Do you lack commitment to your marriage?
-
Are you a “workaholic”? Do you spend so much time at work
(or at your volunteer job) that you miss important family functions? Do you
rationalize the excessive time you spend at work by saying it’s “for the
family”?
-
Have you physically or emotionally abused your spouse? Are
you so hung up on having control over everything that you lash out to keep your
spouse in line?
-
Do you spend hours and hours meeting strangers on the
Internet?
-
Do you complain about your spouse in anonymous chat rooms?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you may
lack the necessary commitment to keep your marriage afloat. These aren’t the
only situations, but they are ones we see a lot. Workaholics use work as an
excuse to avoid conversation and intimacy with their spouse. Abusers use
threats and violence to make sure they always get what they want. Internet
junkies shut their spouses out by talking to strangers about marital problems.
If you notice yourself in these scenarios, it’s time to
recommit yourself to your marriage.
Changes in Priorities
The most common change in priorities comes during a
“mid-life crisis." Fearing the transition into older age or more
responsibility (such as having children), many people push aside all that they
have valued in exchange for something new, exciting or completely opposite.
But there are other reasons for changed priorities: children
going to college, which can often prompt stay-at-home moms to re-evaluate their
lives in their children’s absence; a deteriorating sex life; major health
problem; the completion of a longtime goal; or death of a parent or child. Any
of these things can make a person feel the need to break away from their
“routine” as a way to get back what they feel they have lost.
Once again, the key is communication. Couples need to
discuss their priorities and their expectations, and what they hope to achieve
in the future. And they should do this not just on their honeymoon, but
throughout their marriage. Even if they don’t always agree on the specifics of
the new priorities, an open line of communication will facilitate a resolution
as well as prevent unpleasant surprises.
Infidelity
The sad fact is that that some people will risk their entire
marriage for the sake of an extramarital affair. But infidelity is rarely the
only reason a couple breaks up. Usually, a couple has a host of other problems
and infidelity is simply “the last straw.”
The expectations and priorities of a spouse who commits the
adultery may have shifted, as discussed above. A cheating spouse may find
comfort in the arms of someone else when the other spouse has stopped
communicating. Neither scenario is an excuse, but spouses who have extramarital
affairs pick an inappropriate way to fulfill a need that’s not being met at
home.
The spouse who is betrayed may feel humiliated. Children
sense these feelings and may worry that the unfaithful parent will someday
betray or abandon them in the same way.
In addition to the emotional toll on the family,
extramarital affairs also present health risks, such as AIDS and other sexually
transmitted diseases that can cause infertility or death to an unsuspecting
spouse.
Not all couples split up after infidelity. Some may be able,
after a great deal of time and effort, to repair the broken bonds. If staying
together is an option, a marriage counselor will be of enormous help in making
the transition.
The Journey to Happiness
It has been said that most of life’s happiness, and most of
its misery, emanate from one’s marriage.
Spouses in a happy marriage are more productive on the job,
are physically healthier and experience less emotional stress than their
unhappily married counterparts. They also raise happier, healthier, more
confident children who themselves go on to have happy marriages.
With so much riding on it, it makes sense for couples to
make their marriage their number one priority. We hope that the information
provided here helps couples begin the journey to their own happiness.
Improving Your Marriage
- Treat your spouse like your best friend or most important
colleague.
- Don’t expect to get more from your spouse than you give of
yourself.
- Don’t lose your sense of humor; have fun with your spouse.
- Don’t demean your spouse in public or in private.
- Learn to listen, learn to hear.
- Learn to argue respectfully.
- Look for resolution rather than victory.
- Assess your own mistakes and acknowledge them.
- When you apologize, mean it, and sound like it. Be short on
blame and long on forgiveness.
- Be willing to change your opinions and attitudes.
- Look at changes in your life as an opportunity to grow.
- Don’t try to change your spouse; accept your spouse “as is.”
- Here are some resources for further investigation.
Copyright © AAML
For more information about the Illinois Chapter of AAML and the services we provide, please contact us at 1-312-263-7682 between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. Central Standard Time (CST), fill out our contact form, or email us at info@aaml-illinois.org.
|
